It won't be the same this year.....

I've been struggling with getting into the Christmas spirit this year because everything about Christmas reminds me of Marianne. Ever since I was 8 years old and she went away to college I was always so excited for Christmas because it meant that I could be with her again. Every Christmas of my life, other than the one when I was on my mission in New York, I have spent with my sister. The other day I was making dinner and decided to put on a Christmas CD that Marianne used to listen to. I always thought everything Marianne had was just the best and coolest thing, so of course I went and bought a copy also. Everything was going along fine until the last song came on. I never had really listened to the words before, but as I listened, it totally summed up how I've been feeling. It's called "It won't be the same this year" and talks about how difficult Christmas can be when you miss the ones who have passed away. As I listened to the chorus..."All the stockings are hung, Silent Night has been sung, Christmas is finally here....it won't be the same this year," the floodgates opened because it was exactly how I was feeling.

This advent calendar is so special to me because Marianne and I made it together.  We spent so many fun weekends together while I was at BYU making the little ornaments.  When it came time to make the actual wall hanging, Marianne guided me through each step, showing me where to cut the fabric and what pieces to sew together.  When it was all pieced together, I held it up, so excited to see the finished masterpiece only to discover that for some reason it was crooked and looked horrible.  In frustration, I wadded it up in a ball and said there was no way I was going to take all the stitches out and redo it.  I never really thought about it again, but how surprised I was the Christmas I got home from my mission, to see that Marianne had done just that.  She's taken it all apart and redone it and finished it for me.  Usually this is the very first thing that goes on my wall once December hits, but this year I just couldn't bear to bring it out...too many memories that would just make me sad.  Finally, into the second week of December I realized that Marianne wouldn't want me to leave it in the closet.  She would want me to enjoy it, so on the wall it went even though it opened the floodgates once again.

People say this gets easier, and I'm sure it will.  I'm so grateful for my precious little ones, for my family and everyone who I hold dear that I hold to a little tighter now, knowing just how precious life truly is.  The birth of the Savior has added significance in my life this year also, for it is through Him that I know I will be with my dear sister again.